Infidelity - Consequences

Consequences

According to the American association for Marriage and Family Therapy, AAFMT, 50% of the couples who seek marriage therapy cite an extramarital involvement (EMI) as a reason.

There are serious consequences in a family when the lid is blown and a cheating spouse has been exposed. Studies reveal that all hell breaks loose when news of an extramarital affair surfaces at home. The betrayed spouse suffers from bouts of anger, emotional upheaval and severe depression (often including suicidal thoughts) resulting in sleeplessness and loss of appetite.

There have been several instances all over the world of lust murders when either of those involved in a fatal attraction have been brutally murdered when the affair got out of hand.

Marriage counselors observe both spouses experience severe bouts of depression, anxiety, and usually a deep sense of loss after the initial disclosure of an affair. Common reactions of the betrayed spouse include an obsession trying to imagine the details of the affair, suffering flashbacks and intrusive images, while constantly watching for further signs of betrayal and hounding the partner who strayed despite repeated apologies and attempts to stay loving and faithful. The spouse who indulged in an affair may fear a lifelong punishment for betrayal from the spouse while still grieving the loss of romance associated with the affair. It is not surprising that the emotional upheaval drives 50% of marriages to end in divorce due to Infidelity.

Couples who have survived the storm of infidelity report they are emotionally stronger, understand each other better and their marriage is more meaningful as they try to rebuild together exploring the hitherto missing blocks for better bonding. In the process, the couple develops trust, commitment to marriage, empathy for each other, and a shared responsibility for change.

There can be no two opinions about the fact that parents are the first role models in a child's life. The lessons and rules of life a child learns when a parent has an affair, are often twisted and damaging to the child's future. Also, the collateral damage of a parent's affair on children is even worse because kids are the innocent victims caught in the crossfire and don't fully understand what goes on between parents who are dealing with an issue of infidelity.

Children exposed to high voltage scenes of angry parents�sometimes even divorcing and going their separate ways unable to cope with infidelity, suffer a deep emotional pain and a high level of insecurity. They struggle with confusion, loneliness, sadness, anxiety and fear. If the marriage ends in a divorce, children will lose a parent they love and will not understand the reason but the separation from a loved parent will have a damaging effect on their lives forever.

Psychologists and family therapists observe that children are programmed to lie when a straying spouse requires the child to keep up the deceit of a "secret second life". As a result of a parent's infidelity the child learns a twisted lesson that deceit is allowed in order to protect one's privacy. Also children learn the "I, Me, Myself' kind of lessons on selfishness that lead them to believe you can do what you please irrespective of how it affects other people.

According to Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, leading American psychologist and marriage counselor, it is parents' responsibility to teach their children the values of honesty, transparency, and the "importance of thoughtfulness�considering other people's feeling when decisions are made." Infidelity involves lies and deceit and the web of intrigue sends wrong signals to children.

Couples who have survived affairs and have been able to move on together with their children have reported that they found it a humbling, yet worthwhile experience to save their marriage and correct the wrong lessons their children may have learnt from their affairs.

References:

When Your Lover Is a Liar - Susan Forward (HarperCollins)

Infidelity: A Survival Guide - Don David Lusterman (New Harbinger Publications, 1998)

Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal -Maheu Marlene M. & Subotnik, Rona B. (Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, Inc. 2001)

Private lies: the betrayal of infidelity - Pittman, Frank (NY. W. W. Norton, 1989)

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